What drives me?

The driving for my life can be broken in to two. There was a "pre-realization" driving force and then i believe that there is a post driving one.

Before a "change" in me, my driving force was REVENGE. It was to prove myself to all those who had not treated me well in my past, and then rub it in their face. Lame? Yes...but it was truly motivating. I remember nights i would spend working on a report, or long days at school, and trying financial times, where the only motivating force for me was the idea of one day, being successful and then turning around to characters in my past and rubbing it in their face. I had entire scenes in my head, where i would be a succesful engineer, in a nice vehicle, all decked out....and in a confrontation with these apposing characters, i would tell them that they were wrong. That they were unjust to mistreat me, that I had gotten over that challenge and that they were loosers. I had images of driving over people in my car (crazy = yes ..but it seemed really valid at that point)

These motivations where great. They would fuel my anger. I would be determined to get the task done, to be the best i could be in a particular field JUST SO THAT I COULD PROVE IT TO THEM.

And then, a change happened.

I realized by having these motivations and drives, i was allowing the very people who shouldnt...have control of me.

I was happily and willingly handing over my freedom to those who didnt deserve it.

I forgave (or am trying to forgive) these characters

So now, my entire drive has changed. It is not works based, or revenge based....or even self glorification based. I dont do stuff to propel myself higher in my eyes...or in other's eyes. (or at-least i try not to....)

My drive now is different. It still has 2 facets...like the last one. I really hope they are more meaningful in the long run.

My short term drive is to make people happy. It gives me great energy and joy to see them smile, and laugh...and have solid peace on the inside. This sequences my motivations in certian patterns. I dont particularly want to do something which will deprive my loved ones with joy.....but i will if it is what is the best for them and I. I want to help mend this broken world, be part of the process of the change.....but not in a rebellious, hurt the world manner. I will do that in a manner which is right....honorable....Godly.

So, my long term and sustaining drive (maybe it is there, maybe i want it to be there) is to please God. It took me a while to understand that i am always doing stuff to please...please others (humans) or myself. Maybe this is an innate desire, set up in humans...to please others. I do think that the one to please is God. It took me a while to set up this drive, why would i do something to please SOMEONE ELSE. And then i realized that self gratification is garbage. It is not fulfiling. It makes WAY MORE sense to seek the happiness of the one who created us, and is so super cool to me. And cares for me in more ways than i can think of.

A kind of mushy blog...but i am willing to stand by it :)