Hebrews Homework

I was doing Hebrews homework for a while, and well God, a couple of things stuck.

Hebrews 4 kept on stressing about finding real rest in you. I dont remember exactly how it was worded but it sounded like a real good rest. Like a comforting, long lasting kind of rest. Please help me find that.

Hebrews 5 talks about some of the people who were punished by you because they stood up against your will. And had pride in them. It talks about lots of other things, but it made me kind of scared. I dont want to go against your will God. I know currently that is the direction my heart is taking me. I would simply love to have a baby girl, to seek companionship with her, share my love etc. But if we follow the logic that you can fix me, replace the messed up broken parts with "good" parts, then you can change my will. I agree that i have to come a certain level....i dont know exactly how to do that...but i am game. I am open to all changes you put through me (i hope...) or at least i am praying for you to open me in this regard. And then maybe substantiate a change in me if you want to. And if you dont, if you think it is ok, then i guess please reassure me that it is ok. I know i am supposed to trust you, and love you and all those things, please help me do that. And please help me know you.......I dont want to disobey you, it makes no sense to do so, and it wouldnt be right after all that you have done for me. Please please please fix me.

Romans 5

I wanna read this....like 10 times....before i go to sleep tonight.....i want it to sink in my soul....and in my heart and i want it to be part of me.

Dear God, please let it be so

Romans 5

Peace and Hope

¹ Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

⁹ Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! ¹⁰ For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! ¹¹ Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

¹² Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—

¹³ To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law. ¹⁴ Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.

¹⁵ But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! ¹⁶ Nor can the gift of God be compared with the result of one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. ¹⁷ For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

¹⁸ Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. ¹⁹ For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

²⁰ The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, ²¹ so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Please

God,

Why do i have these thoughts and desires if there is nothing to them.

Nothing that pleases you anyways

Maybe there are allowances

Thoughts

Actions which are ok

I want it all

To be part of something bigger than myself

To have someone

To call of my own

To protect and provide and savor and treasure

And love

More than i love myself

Demonstrate my care for her

With words and actions

I want to be complete God

And experience this love

Please help me find this someone

And to be the someone for this someone

Thanks..

Love Story

It is said to be a story

One set up so right

By the author of all stories

The one with extreme might

The characters are broken

They like and cheat and kill

Greed can be seen in their actions

The hole in their soul they are trying to fill

There is a little girl at the street corner

She is hungry and cold and sad

Nice things never happen to her

For some reason, at the world she is really mad

"Would you like to buy some flowers Sir

Maybe for you i can cook and clean

I owe so many people money

When not repaid, they are really ugly and mean"

He was exhausted after the party last night

The hangover was no fun

On the outside, the life of the party

On the inside, contemplating suicide with a gun

He never knew what true love was

Though things and chicks lots he had

The sadness overwhelmed his heart

Was always making him feel really bad

So why is the author writing such tales

He can make them all good

Super powers He has all

Anything He wants to do, He could

But see, the story isnt a classic if

The characters dont have to strive

If every child gets his dream Chrismas toy

And every man his dream wife

The girl will be ok one day

Her heart will eventually heal

Her soul wont be scared no more

Complete and whole she will feel

Maybe the guy will find himself

The true meaning of satisfaction

He will stop living every day for temporary glee

And find himself a true passion

Or maybe they both will give up

And happiness from their lives depart

They will continue to live like the living dead

Constantly numbing their heart

Whatever it may be, one will find

Some unique steps in each story

Decision points, and then some divine tugs

Opportunities to give either God, or someone else glory

The key to it all one may realize

Is to accept then hurt

and ponder seriously what will happen

Once we are buried under the dirt

The author wrote a love story

Between a creator God and man

God persuing a relationship with his kids

And everytime, we got scared and ran

Materialism, lust and greed got our attention

They seemed so cool and fun

Little did we realize about the finite life

Of everything under the sun

God got it though

And attoned for our sins with the cross

Now we have a meaning for this life

It isnt a total loss

So here is to the the ultimate love story

One with lots of pain, brokeness and tears

After going through the grinding wheel and climax

I'll be filled with love and not fears

Make me over

Make me over

If you had a chance God

To make me anew

Create a few more features

What would you really do?

At first thoughts i'd change lots

My gender, race and height

I' want loads of muscles and tatoos

Always ready for a fight

Make me tall dark and handsome,

Gimme some social and financial wealth

I'd like to be a smooth player

Handling life with guile and stealth

Some houses and cars would be fine

Pretty girls knocking at my door

I'd care for no one, by a wild man

I'd straight up do em on the floor

Now wait a minute, on second thoughts

These might not be real solid desires

Would with these characteristics I not be masking

Some deep burning intense internal issues and fires

Alright God, i dont need all these

Maybe even take these back

I might be way better off

If in lots of these i lack

Please make me wise God

And make my heart kind

Make it yearn for goodness and faith

Let it yearn for you to find

Give me some peace and comfort

Some hope for a heart full of joy

The ability to comprehend that every void in life

Can not be filled by a shiny new toy

Give me friends Lord, but even more than that

Let me be friends with you

Please transform me to a solid person

One whose intentions are true

These things can all be done now God

Making over might not be so essential

I need to trust in you, and be open to pain

Recognizing and then faith are so fundamental

Screaming out loud

There is a conversation going on in my head about images, action, statements and how they scream out loud of what is actually going on inside. I am talking about my situation. Do my words, actions and very much looks state to the world what i do not want to state to myself. Display my issues and vulnerability to the world when i do not want to look at them myself.

Had a few interesting interactions over the past few weeks in this regard

- Had a talk with Mr. Alex. He brings up homosexuality in general and proceeds on to say why he does not agree with it.

-Talking to Jim Ross on the phone. He proceeds to defend it....again for no reason or for no one bringing it up.

- Awkward interactions in general

So God, i a confused. I am unsure of what the path forward is, or should be. Should i worry about this issue. I dont want to tackle it. I sometimes want to back track...the scarf was hiding all the problems. But that might be it. it was hiding them, not fixing them. I wonder if in time it would have fixed them though.....

Please provide me some direction.

Thank you

There is happiness where the morning is

Went to see the play last night. It was super intense. William Blake had some solid poetry going on.

The play was about happiness...and how it is percieved to be happiness. A couple in confusion. The guy thinks that they had the best night of their life out by the hedges. The girl, is suffering from a potato sized tumor (her words), and is questioning it all. The mere presense of love. Was it ever true. Was it real. Did it really exist. All of this is kind of perverted by their Dean, who had set everything up, just to set it all up.

So, here are my thoughts. These kats were struggling for love and happiness. Trying to find true joy in a human relationship. There were lacks of communication, sometimes one did not fulfil the other, in their conversation one could detect hurt and sadness and despair.....signs of broken but real people.

It was an uncomfortable but applicable topic for me. How long have i struggled for, looking for joy and happiness. For that perfect relationship that fixes it all, the answer which resolves all questions....I think it is trusting you God. Just having that communication and trust thingy.

Wonder what people do when they dont trust. Well, i guess i really dont have to wonder. I know it. When i did not believe in you, or want to believe in you, or ignore you, i believed in myself. It was lots of pressure...good or bad...pressure.

I find it hard not to judge people. And then i feel terrible when i am judged. Ha! The ironies of ironies.

God, help me find the true joy that is spoken about.....the happiness in the heart.....the joy of the spirit....the wisdom of the soul. God, please help me actualize what is actually in store!

Broken Trust

Oct 19, 2011

I went to BS last night, and then on the way back, i found out that some of my darkest deepest secrets were shared, brought out to a group of people i did not even know at that time (or not really know now).........and i feel super angry and frustrated.

I dont really know how to handle this. Is this something i need to learn from? Not to trust anybody, no body.....cause you dont know what future would bring for you.

I am greatly angry at Julie, and it is really bothering me. I dont like being angry at people, and more than that i dont like being angry at her. Actually, sometimes i feel so overloaded with favors from her that i feel that i have lost the right to get angry. It is definitely not a symbiotic relationship. I feel much greater of a parasite in it, often asking for more and more and more.

Maybe that is why i do not know how to react when i feel these deep feelings of anger, or hurt by her. Maybe it is too many things going on in my head, but I still feel justified in feeling this stuff.

Further exposure to the group is going to be a harrowing experience. I dont think i want to deal with it at all. If people know your dirt, your weakness, it is like being exposed. Feeling vulnerable and naked around people you dont even know.

I want last night to have never happened. I wish i had not answered that phone call. I wish i had never answered that question. I almost wish that i never did any of this "journey". What was wrong with me as i was..........ok.....lots of stuff but i never had to bother with this sort of pain.

I dont know how to deal with this anger God.....and this pain. I've not felt so terrible for a while. I feel as if my trust is broken again. I wonder what it physically looks like, my trust that is. Broken and cracked, with lots of glue and duct tape. God, please help me understand this, and get through this with wisdom and maturity, and without hurting anyone. I feel like hating you right now. I feel like walking away, putting my head phones on and ignoring all of this. It so seems like the easiest option right now.

God, i dont understand. If i am doing the time (paying for the crime), can i at least do the crime! If people are going to think of me in a certain way, can i be that way! If everyone judges me, and thinks that i mess with girls and stuff, why not just do it. Why not satisfy my desires. I am labelled for it anyways.

I wonder what people talk about me. I was hoping that THEY WERENT. But now i dont know. I thought these were all God's people. Fallen, faulted but ...God's people! I dont know. All of this is really really bothering me. Wonder if the kids think the same because of the way i dress. Do my friends divulge my secrets there? Do they all just see me as a messed up person.....who is so totally screwed up in every way!

Its ok to judge me like that. Put me in another damn box. So it is brown and short, and doesnt believe, and foreign and what else now....oh yeah....immoral. Just cause i wear my faults on my sleeves, lets just have a talking spree about them.

God, i am getting really bitter and hard hearted about this. Please help me understand...and fix. If i create that stigma, i am never going to that place again. If people just see me, and they associate me with a certain life style, and then prob link my friends to it.....then it is over. I do not need to be around that place....bring any sort of negative connotation towards anyone!

God, i am trying to come to you right now, not with anger but with humilty (but honestly, there is lots of anger right now)....please help me handle this in the nicest way possible, and not hurt Julie...or anyone else.

2 Cor 4 : 8-9

⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Temptations

Dear God,

Today is a power sunday. Th day of the week i usually enjoy the most. But i will need your help today.

God, please give me the courage, and normallness i so need at church. i know they are going through some really rough times right now. Please help them and be nice and merciful to them. And also please be merciful to me.

God, I have yet again been fighting temptations and thoughts which might not be the best. Can we please talk about my feelings and desires. I am not yet convicted that you do not hold solid great loving relationships from me. I cant believe that. If you want that for others, and deem relationships to be so important, then why not me.

You know hwere I stand regarding the whole deal. As I get more “grown up” and try (with your MAJOR help, or maybe it is all you) breaking the walls around my heart, I am feeling this “desire”…this need for a relationship. I don’t know what it will look like, or feel like…but it is not the cookie cutter relationship that I visualize. I see sacrifice and love and honor….all the things you like. But part of it you wont like as well, or that is atleast what they tell me

God, I still feel that it is unfair. I know others have it much harder, but that doesn’t make is easier for me. I step out in the society and see nice girls, nad my heart/mind/thoughts just slip over to where they shouldn’t be.

God, please fix me. Please save me from these temptations, if you don’t think that they are what I should be doing. If you are ok with it, please let me know in some way, and help me find someone…and love them…and learn from them…to the best of my capability. If it is not to be, if it doesn’t please you, can you please just take the heart away. Please just take away my heart. I don’t want desires I cant ever attain, or which will upset you. Just make me insensitive and a jerk maybe. Maybe, just don’t let me care for people like I have started. The struggle is hard. I am ok with the physical stuff, but controlling my thoughts is becoming a real struggle. Please help me…….or fix me……..or let me know that it is ok

I say all this in Jesus’s name.

Temptations

Dear God,
Today is a power sunday. Th day of the week i usually enjoy the most. But i will need your help today.

God, please give me the courage, and normallness i so need at church. i know they are going through some really rough times right now. Please help them and be nice and merciful to them. And also please be merciful to me.

God, I have yet again been fighting temptations and thoughts which might not be the best. Actually, i can not

Apology

So here it goes, another night
Totally apathetic to the human plight
Singing my tunes, filling my mind
Getting ready for tomorrows grind
I'll made the dollars, and keep my sense
Never caring to look over the fence
My neighbor is homeless, his dog is dead
I dont even care if his kids are fed
Veterans are homeless and widows weep
Ghettos slowly towards the suburbs creep
Maybe someday the heart will rise
Till then, will my half hearted apology suffice?

Memories...reflecting the future and past.......and some other images from uprising

More stuff from the book uprising

Perseverance

The Taboo against knowing who you are

Saw this book today....kind of made me think.....the taboo surely exists....knowing ultimate reality.....who am i truly?

I want to say that i now believe that i am a child of God, loved by God, directed by God...and maybe...maybe even in love with God? Created by Him, loved by Him, being worked upon by Him?

Looks like a book worth checking in to...

Matthew Shepard

God, i think we need to talk about this some day. Why are you so angry at these humans? If you love them, why even create some of these mental issues. You are the creator of all right, others just pervert stuff. Why did you create the nasty ideas of hate, and anger, and racism? I think of Matthew Shepard and how the kid was killed. I think of myself (selfishly) and how i fear being alone and restless all of this life...........Please help me understand the reason behind all this pain

Crazy

With Steve Jobs dead, everyone is saluting the accentric, the crazy, those who break the norms. But what about the several thousand who did and were persecuted for that? What about those who we persecute for being different?

Violence

This image caught my eye. Why allow this God?

Hug

Dear God
I woke up feeling cold and scared and lonely. All I really wanted was a hug. A true solid hug from someone safe. I wonder if JESUS was a hugger? I kind of imagine him as one sometimes. Or maybe that is what I want to imagine. A kind person with depth in his soul who was not afraid to give....hugs and all.
God please give me courage. The strong heart to make myself vulnerable to others. To love others and to allow others to love me. Please help me break these walls.
Thank you

Control

They are talking about control in class today. How it is a control thing, on how difficult it is to comprehend that salvation and justification is all by faith and not by works. I can't comprehend it or am struggling with the whole idea. It is difficult to give up control. It means being vulnerabe and making myself suseptable to getting hurt and lost and loosing control.
Dear God please help me loose control. Please help me place all my faith in you and none in my works. Please help me not be a hypocrite and let me represent truth.
God I am asking you to soften my heart. Please make me open to you and accept you fully. I still find myself wandering from faith all the time. I get angry. And jealous and self conscoius and selfish. I don't understand god and it makes me angry. And I do not know how to express all of this anger. I find it hard to love you if I believe that you kind of controlled what has happened to me in life but at the same time...life has been freaking awesome in lots of ways and if I think that the creator of the universe took personal interest in setting up for me, it makes me feel amazing gratitude....and maybe even love.
God, I don't think I have truly felt what love is yet. Please help me experience it and spread it out to thi world. I can't be the only one in this universe who is hurting so much, struggling so much, breaking so much. God, please use me in your story as an appropriate tool, in the best possible method to heal myself and others. Please let me have an open heart to listen to the spirit. Please let the spirit be in me. I doubt myself all the time. Please grant me the gift of faithfulness. Please let it never be dependant on people or ever be dependant on works, please let me just be dependant on you.
Thank you

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Freedom from Fear

Truth and Gratitude

Faith

That is what i am looking for God. Faith, and trust and belief, and not the constant need to replenish it. Faith seems to be so beautiful, yet so hard. Can i please have some. Some faith, some spiritual re-awaking, and maybe some love in my heart. Please help me see what i need to see, and heed to what i need to follow. Help me overcome my laziness, and gluttony, and evil in my heart, please replace the lust in my heart with pure love.

Please let me be busy for a real cause rather than a busy body.

Please make me kind, and generous, and truly serving the world.

The Quest

Where will it take me ?

Help

I need loads of it

Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear.....it is the absence of self

Integrity

Courage is what integrity looms looks like when facing the forces of darkness and evil. Without integrity we will lack the courage to face the greatest challanges ad stay the courge and persue the quest for honor

scared

I've been scared....for a while. It is getting a bit better now

Got a great collections of hymns last night....and they have bee rolling in my head all night. The idea of being a sheep and getting directed by God as a shepherd is strangly cmforting. I am one of those who is awkward in strange environmnts, cocky around friends and broken alone. "I will not fear cause u r with me, you are always with me" it brings moisture to my eyes. I haven't cried in so long.........

God I ask you for faith....and perseverence. Please grant me wisdom...and true joy in the heart. God I know I haven't opened my heart fully to you. I still have blocks around my heart, I still feel conscious and out of place, alone and unloved. Please help me. Please open my heart and give me the courage not to be embarrased of you. I love your concept, of having someone who will always be there, who loved me regardless, who actually knows me and even then loves me. The theoretical concept of a loving dad, someone who can just comfort me, one who I don't need to impress, who just knows me and loves me would be so great. I could let go of all these guards. Just hug Him and it would feel comfortable and safe and all things good.

God I m struggling to trust you like this....I really realy want to. Please help me. You can fix me. Please repleace these messed up broken parts with something whole, please let me be guided to play the character, in the story you want to write.

Why do I want to just cry when I think of my brokenness? Please let me feel your love...and please let me love others. God I know I have lots of broken pieces inside my heart. Please don't let them hurt others.

Thank you

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