5-4

Dear God,
Its been a rough month. A really really rough month, and i am distressed inside about it. I dont know how to fix this. I feel that the dragon skin, the thin layer of film is growing around my heart. It is getting hardened and calloused, ready to grab this thing called life and keep on heading down the highway
I lost three of my best friends this month, and i know that i have not even faced that fact yet. Not even cried all the tears that deserve to be cried. Not even realized the depths of the scars.
So, i understand Daniel and Freddy leaving. Freddy leaving sucks. I wonder how he will change...how he will grow. I depend on the dude SO much, it is weird.
I am still unsure of how to behave around Julie. I wonder if she feels this GAP between us as well. It bothers me ..loads..but if it does not bother her, than  i will be ok. God, what was the reason for making life so complicated. For making my mind too dumb to understand so many of these concepts. Just unable to comprehend the things which actually mean the difference between light and dark. God, if you are true, if christianity is true then why doesnt it just stay, solidly in my heart? Why do i waver between doubts all the time? Why can i not apply the concepts of loving others , and not being angry or jealous, or hurt. I understand the situation God, why can i not ACCEPT it. Why can i not just be a good friend for Julie? I dont want to be a pain in her life. A bother. A weight. That is not who i want to be in her life. If that is the position i am to be, can i please just be removed. I care for her God, maybe more than i care for myself. Maybe not. Maybe i get selfish and angry when i dont get the attention i feel i deserve. But then, i dont think i honestly deserve anything, I have already received way more than i deserve. This dichotomy is really bothering me. God, i dont know if am honestly jealous of david, because, really, i shouldnt be. I was never in the game. I want her to be happy. Then why do i have this "issue" against him, i really dont know.
I wonder if things will ever be fixed God. If the hurt in my heart, these feelings of lonliness and dejection and unlovedness will ever be...eliminated. I am sometimes not even sure that you are there, i write to a phantom, like the time i started writing to my bg, not even knowing if she is there.
God, in these times i have no one but you to ask for guidance. For some sort of salvation. Of peace. Please let me escape the chains of my mind. Let me be happy.Please let me not hurt those i care for. Please let me find your truth, the true you, not the one presented by my freinds or family...just truth which you have..for me! I dont want to fall in to this cultural paradigm. I dont want to be one of the cool xians, or cool non xians. I just want to be solid and honest and truthful....whatever that might be!
Thank you

HURLING CROWBIRDS AT MOCKINGBARS (HOPE IS NOT A COURSE OF ACTION)

HURLING CROWBIRDS AT MOCKINGBARS (HOPE IS NOT A COURSE OF ACTION)

August 11, 2009

If we were created in God’s image
then when God was a child
he smushed fire ants with his fingertips
and avoided tough questions.
There are ways around being the go-to person
even for ourselves
even when the answer is clear
like the holy water Gentiles drank
before they realized Forgiveness
is the release of all hope for a better past.

I thought those were chime shells in your pocket
so I chucked a quarter at it
hoping to hear some part of you
respond on a high note.
You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars
and abandoned me for not making sense.
Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.

For example, I know mercy
when I have enough money to change the jukebox at a gay bar
(somebody’s gotta change that shit).
You understand the power of God’s mercy
whenever someone shoves a stick of morphine
straight up into your heart.
It felt amazing
the days you were happy to see me

so I smashed a beehive against the ocean
to try and make our splash last longer.
Remember all the honey
had me lookin’ like a jellyfish ape
but you walked off the water in a porcupine of light
strands of gold
drizzling out to the tips of your wasps.
This is an apology letter to the both of us
for how long it took me to let things go.

It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open

so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat
hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots
that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving
so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying
all my eggs were in a basket of red flags
all my eyes to a bucket of blindfolds
in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze
ya know I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off
trying to drive all your nickels to the well
when you were happy to let them wishes drop

but I still show up for gentleman practice
in the company of lead dancers
hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes.
Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman
or is it a cattle call
in a school of fish? Still dance with me
less like a waltz for panic
more for the way we’d hoped to swing
the night we took off everything
and we were swingin’ for the fences

don’t hold it against
my love
you know I wanna breath deeper than this
you know I didn’t mean to look so serious
didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor
didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board
but there were knives s-stuck
in the words where I came from
too much time in the back of my words.
I pulled knives from my back and my words.
I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away

and I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady
yeah you know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell
you know I know I mighta gone and lost my breath
but I wanna show ya how I found my breath
to death
it was buried under all the wind instruments
hidden in your castanets
goddamn
if ya ever wanna know how it felt when ya left
yeah if you ever wanna come inside

just knock on the spot

where I finally pressed STOP

playing musical chairs with exit signs.

I’m gonna cause you a miracle
when you see the way I kept God’s image alive.

Forgiveness
is for anybody
who needs a safe passage through my mind.

If I was really created in God’s image
then when God was a boy
he wanted to grow up to be a man
a good man
and when God was a man
a good man
He started telling the truth in order to get honest responses.
He’d say,
“I know.
I really shoulda wore my cross
again
but I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.”