Hot chocolate

I skipped in to the office today
And behold, what do I find
Something so dazzling
It totally blows my mind

In the break room in the corner
Hidden from normal human eye
Something my X-ray vision superman eyes spotted
The delight I could not deny

Packets of hot chocolate they were
Little bits of happiness so brown
I wanted to do the happy dance and join the circus
With the big nose, and curly hair, be the clown

The dash towards it had lightning speed
Mixed it up with water with grace
All I am sayin is that the old dude behind me
Could not even keep up pace

So rejoice rejoice for the hot chocolate
A little joy may you find this morning as well
If not, hit me up yo
And a baby gorrilla joke to you I will tell

What is my biggest wish for the future

A bit ago, it would have totally been to find my perfect baby girl! And to have her! For her to love me and for me to love her! And for us to live this beautiful beautiful fairy tale life. Live an adventure. Smell the flowers. Travel the world. Always be in love. For everyone to accept us.

Why is that wish not a number one anymore? I dont know....i think i am changing. Or atleast i really really hope that i am.



I want to play the exact role that God wants me to play in His Kingdom. That, i believe will accomplish all the other sub-wishes. Know in my heart that i am doing it, feel reassured, and completely safe.
For having the hole in my heart filled.
To feel more whole, more complete.
Having happiness, joy, peace, love and hope in my heart.
I wont feel so lonely anymore.
The greatest wish i have for the future (for myself) is to be truly selfish and giving, be my “real” self and not ideal self. I want to have a sinless soul, humility and love. No pride, no anger, no jealousy or covethness or all the other gross sins.
I want to give myself selflessly to the service of others….without any predisposed intentions or agendas.
I want to have control over myself, my emotions and thoughts.
Have pure humility.
I’d like the world to have peace…and happiness. Eliminate world hunger, and wars. Create an open minded world, where people listen instead of just hearing. Where the walls of discrimination dont exist. Where sin doesnt exis

What limiting beliefs am i holding on to?

That in reality i am not good enough. It doesnt matter what anyone says, what i accomplish, that in my heart of heart, i am just a looser.

It is a lack of self love. The ideal self struggling with the real self.
I like my race, height, skin color, any of these things hold me back and it shows up in my attitude.

My belief that others are judging me makes me act defensively, and totally makes me hold back and not act optimally.

That i am not at the same level as others.

Fear of failure....of poverty...of letting others down....of looking silly in front of others.

Of failing my own high expectations.

I am not good looking enough

I am not at all pretty

I am awkward

I can never have a special someone...

No one will ever love me

These hold me back. I am scared to do new things. I am scared of new relationships and people and experiences. I cling on to what i have, to the extent of sometimes damaging it. I dislike changes, because my limiting beliefs make me "settle" rather than strive. I draw these boundaries around my mind.....bind my imagination and creativity by imaginary chains.

I "believe" that i need to please others in order for them to accept me! That makes me not love them properly. I end up doing things which make them happy rather than what is right and good for them (and myself).

I "believe" that i can "buy" friendship....

I "believe" that i am not as good as others, and hence i become self effacing.

I really want to get over all of these. Please God! Now that you have made me self aware of these (and i bet there are tons more), can you please help me overcome them. Be a real person, one you created,not one influenced by the society, and evil...and sin!

So close, and yet so far

So close and yet so far.

How can i have the confidence to write my life's story correctly?

How do i know that i will not get swayed by bad judgement and decisions?

Have I never made a wrong decision? Have i always done what is right?

Why not give it over to someone who loves me more than i love myself, who i can trust more than i can trust my judgement? Why not resign to someone worthy of the resignation?

Thoughts

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- is anything is excelent or praiseworthy- think about such things." (Philipains 4:8)

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Milos

Let us take a sack of spray paint and spray paint over the paintings.
Let dance through Paris;
kiss in the shadow of the louve,
crawl inside its windows,
scroll manifesto's over its canvas',
write morris' code on the sculputers,
roll a sleeping bag on the floors to sleep inside of, tell one another a story by flashlight,
unearth everything from before,
burry each other inside the other,
feed grapes to the ants,
light fireworks in the fists of sleeping kings; kill a monach.
Break back outside and find a world to do all these same things to;
up and upon against break the bricks, climb over them,
and when the sirens scream,
laugh aloud,hold my hand and run fast.
Run through the streets with me with a bunch of bottles,
a bucket of gasoline,
a mouthful of matches,
a pocket full of paintings and fresh faced batch of policemen to chase the fires we are lighting,
laugh on a shoulder of gold.
And i thought that the museums where cemetaries where the dead paid the wall to hold what we had so that we could walk through what we once were,
And children take their sculls to turn into gardens,
to pluck for forefathers and farther stars,
that on some nights resemble an armless mother praying for her arms to return.
Every tooth that we tear from our jaw to fling at the black gloved riot soldiers as another shadow that we are trying to lose.
Let every giggle be filled with lust; let us laugh this night away and i will fuck you like you were a prayer.
I could save me by having my mouth around you,
and i will hold you afterwards like you were the pullpit and i was the sky,
and this love that danced between that hardness was a telephone line of holiness that those two things spoke through.
Take me into your heart like i was a saint,
and you were a face of forgivenss blooming in a valley destined to sink further.
Be a river with me;
Be the storm;
the bend in the path;
the front porch; the heat in the south;
be a boot full of banjo strings;
a fist full of written songs;
a mouthfull of chocolate dust.
When they come to take us,
stab them between the eyes.
Do not take your hand from around mine.
Make a fist with the other, and punch spines like guilds, spit, sweat, kiss them like a grandmother. How will open mouthed terror love filled?
And when they come to cut out hair and ask to hear pennince come from inside us,
say with me loud and trembling,
but loud and clear that:
"i have already emptied myself. I kissed regret goodbye, took the hands of another backwards angel, and rode backwards into the rain"
When the hangman of morrow comes to hang the sun in its daily execution say this with me: "'Sarah we are apples, our love is an apple; im unbuttoning my shirt; painting a circle over my heart, please,, just shoot straight."

Fruits of the spirit

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

John Piper Quote

“Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity.”
― John Piper

Familiarity

The people who related to God best--Abraham, Moses, David, Isaiah, Jeremiah--treated him with startling familiarity. They talked to God as if he were sitting in a chair beside them, as one might talk to a counselor, a boss, a parent, or a lover. They treated him like a person.

PHILIP YANCEY, Disappointment With God

Dear God,
Please become familiar. Please let me feel this afinity towards you that we too can become buddies and talk. That would be wonderful. Have the spirit stay in me continually, please, and guide me in every step of the way. Please help me figure out what to pray for, cause i am at a loss for what is right. Please grant me some familiarity with you, a sense of belonging, no hypocricy. Please let me live for you, and only you....give me a purpose....a task in your grand scheme of things. Please use me whichever way necesary. Please dont let me waste my life.

You make me feel

You make me feel like
A kid in the candy store tasting candy for the first time
Forgetting that candy can make the teeth hurt
Forgetting everything
But the joy of overdosing on refined sugar

You make me feel like
A child, cuddled in his mothers lap
Feeling secure
Like nothing could ever get him from here
No monsters
Could snatch him away.

You make me feel like
The adolescent kid
With scrawny gait and an awkward smile
Reading poetry to his friends for the first time
Waiting for some applause
Some appreciation
And then getting it

You make me feel like a pipe line
Gushing with oil under the sea
Thousands and thousands of feet long
Surrounded by ice cold water
But feeling on the inside, so warm

You make me feel like
Bethoween's unfinished melody
The hope of a perfect symphony
The first time a sailor sees land
And he just can not understand
Why he feels so good

You make me feel like
The feeling i get when i smell fresh warm bread
Or when i see the first sunrise in spring
A beautiful flower raising its head from concrete
You make me feel so complete

You make me feel like
I am going to be ok
Like there is a purpose to being
That i actually matter to the universe
That someone really loves me
And that makes everything ok

I guess what i am trying to say
Is that you actually make me feel
Stir up some emotions
In my heart
The ones i hid in the dark
so that no one could ever see

When i built my hard shell around me
Eliminating from sight all sighs of vulnerablity
When i pretended to be perfect
So that no one could ever enter
No one could hurt me...

You made me feel
Feel as broken as a cracked record
Like a mussel pulled out of its shell
So soft, so tender, so afraid
And yet, so alive
You make me feel like
Like Love is true
And so are you
There is no more need to sing the blues
That there is hope

Shake the dust

SHAKE THE DUST

This is for the fat girls,
this is for the little brothers,
this is for the school yard wimps,
this is for the childhood bullies that tormented them,
this is for the former prom queen,
for the milk crate ball players,
for the Night Time cereal eaters,
and for the retired elderly Wal-Mart store front door greeters…
Shake the Dust..

This is for the benches and the people sitting on them,
for the bus drivers driving a million broken hymns,
for the men who have to hold down three jobs simply to hold up their children,
for the nighttime schoolers, and for the midnight bikers who are trying to fly
...Shake the Dust...


This is for the two year olds who can not be understood because they speak half English and half God, shake the dust,
for the boys with those beautiful beautiful sisters, shake the dust
for the girls whose brothers are going crazy!
For those gym class wall flowers and for the twelve year old kids afraid of taking public showers,
for the kid whose always late to class because he forgets the combination to his locker,
for a girl who loves somebody else shake the dust.
This is for the hard men...the hard men who want love but know it won't come...
For the ones who are forgotten,
for the ones the amendments do not stand up for,
for the ones who are told to speak only when spoken to and then are never spoken to.
Speak every time you stand so that you do not forget yourself,
never let a moment go by you that doesn't remind you that your heart beats 100,000 times a day...
That there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean.
Do not settle for letting these waves that settle and for the dust to collect in your veins.
This is for the celibate pedophile who keeps on struggling,

for the poetry teachers and for the people who go on vacation alone,
and for the sweat that drips off of a Mick Jaggers singing lips, and for the shaking skirt on Tina Turner's shaking hips,
and for the heavens and for the hells for which Tina has lived.
This is for the tired and for the dreamers,
for those families that want to be like the Cleavers,
with perfectly made dinners with songs like Wally and the Beaver.
This! Is for the big its,
this is for the sexists,
this is for the killers, this is for the Big House;
pin sentenced cats becoming redeemers,
and for the springtime that always shows up right after the winters,

this is... This is for you...
Make sure that by the time the fishermen returns you are gone,
because just like the days I burn at both ends,
every time I write, every time I open my eyes I'm cutting out a part of myself to give to you.
So Shake the Dust, and take me with you when you do none of this...
What has this has fucking ever been for me,
that pushes and pulls.. pushes and pulls for you!
So grab this world by it's clothes pins and shake it out again and again and jump on top for a spin and when you hop off shake it off for this is yours.
Make, Make my words worth,
make it not just another poem that I write
not just like another poem like another night,
make it like it's heavy about us all,
walk into it breath it in
let it crash through the halls of your arms
like the millions of years of millions poets coursing like blood pumping,
pushing and making you live, shaking the dust!
So when the world knocks at your front door clutch the knob and open on up,
running forward into it's wide spread greeting arms with your hands before you
your fingertips trembling, though they may be.

What words describe me?

I am not sure if the answer to this is what i want the words describing myself to be….or what they currently are! Here is the wish list
-Faithful
-Solid
-With integrity
-Loving, Kind, Caring
-Dreamer
-Perseverence
- Infectiously Happy
- Hopeful
- Vulnerable
- Open minded
- Growing
- Humble
- Seeker
- Patient
- Real

What is most important to me?

My priorities have changed drastically over the past year.

Previously, it was about self satisfaction. It was about redemption, and false claims. My idealized self (reference taken from Karen Horney's "Neurosis of the human mind") was in a sense of eternal greed. Money was important to me, praise from others was important to me, prestige was king.

Things have changed..and are still continually changing (for the better..i hope)

God matters to me most now. I think that is the key. All the other pieces of the puzzle will fall in to place if my focus becomes paying a tribute to his Holyness and glory. I believe that if i am faithful, and solid, and persevere, all the other It has to be the umbrella under which all the other things i care about fall. These include

-Caring for others more than myself
-Loving all, as we all are messed up but God's kids.
- Not hating/disliking people. Maybe disliking habits, but not people in general
-Not hurting others. Helping them. Making them happy.
-Making this world a better place
-Friends, my chosen family, people i care for. Their happiness and well being.
-Improving myself and raising my consciousness level.
-Increasing knowledge and wisdom
-Taking care of my mind, body and soul
- Making the best use of my time
- Protecting my mind from useless banter, corruption and just wrong things
- Doing my job to the best of my ability.
- Finding a higher calling in life
- Finding someone i can share my life with. This for some weird reason that really matters to me these days
-Being humble but also courageous enough to stand for what i believe in
- Constantly improving, and growing in the right path. Doing things which actually matter.

If the world ended today, how would i feel?

If the world came to an end today, i would feel terrible. I would feel that i have been robbed of so many chances. That i wasted an opportunity to make something great out of something which is now ordinary. I would feel really grateful for what i have, but then feel great remorse for having wasted the resources.
If the world would end today, i would totally lament. I have spent most of my life getting educated and saving money. I have dreams. I have been focusing on gathering skills, and becoming an engineer, playing it safe in life.
I would regret not traveling more and living a more carefree life.
I would regret not falling madly in love. I have been protecting my heart for so long, scared for the future. I would totally regret that.
I would be grateful for seeing what i have seen, and having had the relationships i have had. But i would feel for the ones which failed…the times when i allowed good things to turn bad. When i did not care enough for people. When i was selfish and greedy and hard hearted.
So no, i would not be non chalant. This life is not ALL we have, but it is so much. It is a terrible thing to waste it. So yes, it would make me sad.
I would wish for more time with my loved ones. I spend lots of time away from them now. I dont think i know how to love them properly yet and get scared very often, and regress to my little shell. I would wish i had the courage to tell them how much they meant to me, and how great they are, and how much i care for them.
I am not sure of all my goals yet, but then, they are so many. I would wish for more time to fulfil them, for sure.
And yes, i would wish for another shot at life. It is painful, for sure…but i still think i would take another shot at life. To live better, to love more, to be more real!

Come Closer

CLOSER

come closer.
come into this. come closer.
you are quite the beauty.
if no one has ever told you that before know that now.
you are quite the beauty.
there is joy in how your mouth dances with your teeth.
your mouth is a sign of how sacred your life truly is.
come into this.
Come closer
come closer.
know that whatever God prays to He asked it to help Him make something of worth.
He woke from His dreams scraped the soil form the spaces inside Himself made you and was happy.
you make the Lord happy.
come into this.
come closer.

know that something softer than us
but just as holy planted the pieces of Himself into our feet
that we might one day find our way back to Him.
you are almost home.
come closer come into this.

there are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplate
gentle sparrows aching to sing
come aching hearts come soldiers of joy
doormen of truth come true of heart come into this.
my heart was too big for my body
so I let it go
and most days this world has thinned me to where I am just another cloud forgetting another flock of swans
but believe me when I tell you my soul has squeezed into narrow spaces.
place your hand beneath your head when you sleep tonight and you may find it there making beauty as we sleep as we dream as we turn over
when I turn over in the ground may the ghosts that I have asked
answers of do the turning kneading me into crumbs of light
and into this thing love thing called life. come into it.

come you wooden museums
you gentle tigers
negro farces in two broken scenes
come rusting giants
I see teacups in your smiles upside down glowing.
your hands are like my heart.
some days all they do is tremble. I am like you.
I am like you.
I too at times am filled with so much fear. but like a hallway must find the strength to walk through it. walk through this with me. through this church,
this church of bone, birthed of blood and muscle. this church of ours. there is a doorknob glowing like chance.
clutch it.
turn and pull.
step through. chin up. back straight.
eyes open bones in our throats hearts loud and bending.
walk through this with me.

The story of filling the hole in my heart

I had a huge hole in my heart which no peg seemed to fill.

I tried them all. Square pegs, circular ones. The ones of self righteousness, and doing all the right things, being ultra religious and denying the very existence of God. Being the coolest kid, the nerdyest one, the most obedient one. I tried intoxicating my soul, and using drugs to silence the pain, money to fill the void and friends to keep the loneliness away. Nothing worked.

I was the boy character in C.S.Lewis’s “Voyager of the down trodden”. I had been transfigured in to a dragon. In order to turn in to a human, I needed to trust someone else to pull my ugly skin away. I could not do so myself.

And then, I found rest.

Have you ever lost your keys, and looked for them at every spot other than where they are? Your eyes glazed over them until a kindred soul slapped you upside the head and pointed straight to them? That is my story….

This is my story….the hardest battle I ever fought… against myself.

My story begins in a city in Pakistan in a typical muslim family. That is where my struggle with God started as well.

I wanted to punch God as a child! We did not get along at all! He came across like this snoopy character that was out to get me. Anything I did, He was supposedly watching me. He also had 2 sneaky angels sitting on my shoulders, documenting every good and bad deed I did. As a 6 year old I decided to beat God in his own game. I started carrying a notebook around and noting all my good and bad deeds. I remember it being super exhausting.

I started hating God when I turned nine. All of a sudden, more rules were applicable to me than my heart could bear. I could no longer hang out with friends because they were boys, couldn’t watch my favorite cartoon because it was always during prayers time and was so hungry during fasting. The list of to do’s, out of obligation were very burdensome, and didn’t make any sense at all. And the whole time, all I felt was a sense of hopelessness, like no matter what I do, it is a loosing battle. I was struggling for freedom.

The God I knew allowed for discrimination. It was all works based. I saw the poor and under privileged mistreated, non Muslims compared to animals, and women considered second class citizens. The day when I saw an angry mob beat up a christian guy because he touched the quran (he is considered unclean), I gave up on God.

Life in the United States presented another turn in my life. I decided to give God a chance, blaming all the ugliness I saw in my past on culture. Joined the mosque in town, started doing activities with them. It never did give me peace. Falsehood, ugliness and pettiness kept on rearing their ugly heads.

The last straw was when I detected a pattern between what I had seen in the past and my present group. It was all so shallow, all in a race to beat the other, all trying to win this competition of doing more things for God. It was about business transactions rather than worship. We were all hypocrites, pretending to be so perfect. It was not a cultural thing. It was the result of wrong teachings. I gave up on God.

Life without trying to impress a God, or believing in him was pretty fun at first. Everything started going well. I started hanging out in the cool “non religious” circles, believing that this life was it! Greed and money became the driving forces. I was angry and seeking revenge against all the characters in my past.

However, I still did not have peace, rest or comfort. I was living a life of dichotomy.

I started to hang out with a friend who had different opinions on life. She followed this other God who was about love, and caring and forgiveness. Her relationships were different, it was almost as if she had wisdom of generations, was guided by a super natural “spirit”. It was no longer about buying a spot in heaven; it was about worshipping God because he deserved it.

My friend invited me to attend this bible study at work. Initially it was an intellectual exercise, but soon it became more than that. Things which had previously seemed weak to me, such as praying and asking a higher power for help, being open and honest around each other and interpreting verses became important. The day I was convinced that the Christian God was not the same God as the Muslim God (different characteristics), I decided to search for this “New God”.

Lots of searching, questions and tantrums followed. It was all super uncomfortable. I did not want to abandon my “so assumed” freedoms. I started having night mares and sleepless nights and restlessness, as if I needed to make the most important decision of my life. Nothing I tried, no drugs, no amounts of alcohol, or “intellectual” books could shut these voices down. Life in this limbo was wearing on me; and I was getting hopeless. I was fighting social pressures, the dreaded thought of hurting my family and friends if I told them that I was abandoning the faith they had held on for generations, and scared of being abandoned by everyone and being more alone than ever. I hated those days.

Ultimately however, it was not my choice. It sounds weird but I felt this change in me. One I could not define. The more I studied about this stuff, and read books, and heard lectures, I started to kind of like this God. He did not seem like someone I would want to punch. More like someone I would want to hang out with and talk to. The bible had more wisdom in it, than all the books I had ever read put together! I met some folks who were really in love with Jesus, who did not claim to be “religious” but were actually trying to follow his life style. My entire moral, religious life outlook was crumbling before my very eyes.

I went offshore around that time, and it was different. I felt so sad and exhausted initially, just wanted to give up this entire responsibility to someone, someone smarter than me. Who cared about me more than I did. It was then I realized that I just needed to trust God. I didn’t know what the future held at that time, but that I needed to give over the reigns of life into His hands. My brain knew this, but once my heart realized it, things were different. I was no longer scared or sad or lonely. I felt a little bit more whole and complete.

Lots of things have happened since then which have kind of strengthened my conviction. I have had the best times ever with friends, when I have felt acceptance and love beyond belief. The burden of proving myself through actions has been lifted. I have had epiphanies which I know are beyond my brain’s grasp, and had the courage to stand up for things I know I couldn’t have alone. I will never forget. The day when I officially prayed to God about how I realized that I was messing up continually and asked for his forgiveness and grace, at a park, in a car with my mentor.

I won’t say that it has all been great since then. I struggle every day, and have become even more aware of the sickness in my soul. I have become more sensitive to stuff I would have usually shoved under the table, and though the happiness is happier, the sadness is sadder. I have caused people who care for me lots of pain with this decision and regret that every day. I have become aware of how my actions which hurt others, and that itself is painful. I have lost about 99% of my friends because we can no longer do the activities we previously used to perform; we no longer live in the same universes. Some of the rules still offend me, I am yet to reconcile everything with God, but now it is no longer a battle. It is more of acceptance of the fact that my intelligence is not able to grasp everything, that things which I want to do may not be the best for me, that I can actually trust God. It is no longer the burden of obligation, but the labor of love. There are actually more “tough” things I feel convicted to do, a different way I want to constantly act (as a representative of Jesus) than any of the legalistic rules I witnessed in the past. Instead of physical and public 5 times daily prayers, it is more about a continual mode of living. I feel more drawn to give and share and contribute to those not as blessed, not because it is my duty, but because I was actually given so much grace by God that He forgave me.

I think that God is finally pulling my dragon skin away. As the boy said in C.S.Lewis’ book says “The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was jut the pleasure of feeling the stuff peels off. Then he caught hold of me and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again. . . .”

I don’t think that all the pain is gone yet, but it is getting better.

Slowly I think, the hole in my heart is getting filled.

Tearing my dragon skin

“The very first tear he made was do deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy, oh, but it is such fun to see it coming away.” – C.S. Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Happiness

What makes you smile? What do you look forward to doing the most? What do you love most about life? What brings you happiness?

Lots of things make me happy. They go as such, NOT in order of happiness.

Sharing time and preferably a meal with a friend, someone i really and truly care about.

Learning about things which actually matter-eternally

A beautiful girl- inside and out.

Just a beautiful person….on the inside

A smile

Traveling with a real purpose

A beautiful scenery

A solid conversation

A great book fills me with joy. Solid truth in the book, some quotes, tit bits of wisdom are great.
The joy of sharing these with others is wonderful.

Hanging out with friends, and feeling total connection with their thoughts and ideas is great

Chilling on a nice Sunday afternoon at my favorite coffee shop, enjoying a great frapachinno, and a solid conversation with a stranger are great.

Getting a scope of work completed at work successfully is always great.

Poetry

Volunteering- Seeing that i can effect someone’s life in a positive manner.

Comfort for the future…and hope

Playing with the little cousin

Good advice from mentors

Breaking my comfort zone…well that doesnt make me happy..but the satisfaction out of it does.

Feeling loved….and safe…and cared for…and comfortable….and SAFE. That makes me really happy.

A good workout session

Good mexican food.

Friends

Random acts of kindness

People on the same wave length as i

Challanges….in the right direction

True smiles

Solid emails from people i care about

Watching solid shows, dances, hip hops etc. Just admiring the beauty and grace in the human body

Getting rid of my dragon skin

Writting

Head pats

A real hug!

The Most painful thing i have experiened

Painful times i have had

Times when i never thought would be glad

Ideas which tore the heart a new

Have happened to me times a few

Amazing how things which may seem

Trivial now, burnt like on a fresh wound kerosine

Little incidents in a child's universe

Haunt me now like a curse

I remember the time when i was a child

Ready to grow and face the wild

I learnt about death and hate for the first time

Filled up my heart with grime

I saw them treat fellow men like beasts

Throw them food, and not give them treats

Sit on the floor you poor beggar, they would say

Always haggle for the price, and never pay

I'll tell you of the time when i left my folks

I was all happy , cracking jokes

Now that i think about it, it was a sad day

Had no connection with anyone in a tight way

I lost my best friend to the war in afghanistan

That day, i hated most the taliban

We were tight , were gonna have love abound

But God did not allow him to stick around

When people i respected fell in grace

Their hypocrisy made em fall flat on their face

When trust was broken, pride polluted my friends

These are the most painful of trends

The day when my gay friend was found dead

Lying overdosed, in his bloody bed

No longer could he handle the ridicule and abuse

May no one have to walk a mile in his shoes

More painful days i have not had is a lie

But i plead to you, do not pry

Not ready to talk about those i am for now

Those bridges will be crossed someday, somehow.

I do declare the worst of all

Was when i truly understood my fall

When i realized that i cant do anything to match

All the sins my soul does hatch

it was so painful to recognize

Fall from the pedestal in my own eyes

See the grossness of my own soul and mind

Where in here can i beauty find?

My only hope is to grow

In better examples and put on a show

Share the love been given to me

And the message which set me free

I need help

Dear God,

I want to write a testimony to you tonight. Or for you. Or whatever. Just write the story.....the story of how i came where i am.

I am hesitant to do it. That it is not going to be good. That it wont be enough. That it wont glorify you the way it should.

Can you please give me the words to write it...

The perseverence to stick through it.

Please give it the heart to actually be true

I dont know where to start from God....i really dont.

What do i say....that i was alone and scared..and so super cool.....

That my insecurities were getting the best of me

That i was lonely and scared..and the thought of ever being tight with anyone was scary for me....

Self love was the driving force in my life

I had abandoned the idea of an afterlife....for an idea to be cool....

That i hated myself...more than i hated most others

That the driving force in my life was self glorification.....

That guidance and truth scared me...

True friendships scared me

They still do

I want to tell the world that i feel much better

that the hole in my heart is almost filled

There are still gaps...but it is slowly getting better

The wound is no longer hurting so much

That i dont cry to sleep every night anymore

The monsters dont talk to me

The exaustng idea of the point system no longer exists....

Its been weird...the last year....

I do feel like a different person in some ways.....and then i fall back in to the drudgery again...

i have started dreaming new things.....better dreams...

Dreams of being fixed...

of being whole...

of being loved....

Of not having to prove myself...

So God....tonight, i need help. please help me articulate these thoughts in a good way....a way which glorifies you..and shows your power more than anything else.

Thankssss

What does love really mean to you?

The question arises from my soul today

What does love really mean to you

How do you see it impacting your life

Is it something on your list of things to do

I pondered a while, while pacing around

What does this word really imply

Is it just another one of those fancy rules

With which i have to comply

"Love your neighbor as yourself

Love is gentle, love is kind"

I hear em all and think understand them

How do i follow them with my heart and mind?

Love to me is the sense of belonging

Of wanting to give more, than wanting to take

Desiring to endanger your self for others

Not about the advantages you rake

Love might be when one feels secure

To bare his darkest secrets to the other

The act of one standing by his friends

In rough times, when the road meets the rubber

Love has great power to change the heart

It can cause revolutions in all folks

Makes happy people all sad and serious

And the sober guy crack jokes

Love is the emotion the world yearns for

Striving all the time for that warm feeling inside

Let it be the coolest hardest guy in the shop

This is something he wont hide

It is about seeing love in small things

The casual conversation, the moment of grace

All i know is that true love

Brings pure joy, and a smile on my face

What does love mean to you?

Love, for me is a sense of belonging. It is the idea of being able to belong to someone, to call someone my own and caring for them before caring for my own self. It is sacrificing my happiness, time and resources for someone else and feeling great joy and comfort in that. It is joyfully yielding to someone's request, without any anger or remorse. It is putting myself in harms way for another, without thinking about it for a second. It is about a sacrifice.

This reminds me off one of my favorite passages from 1 Cornithians

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And Romans 5:8

8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

"Love" has always been an extremely rough emotion for me. I disliked using the word, or just expressing that i care to another person. It has been changing for a bit now. However, i am still very uncomfortable around it. It is just a powerful emotion, it can change people, move them, drive them to do insane things or great things....or insane and great things. I think i am afraid of it.....so i dont express it well at all....i often fall in the trap of just wanting to achieve others' love by pleasing them, or buying it with gifts or toys etc. I believe love is more than that. Love is making the right decision at the right time. It is about caring for others enough to make them dislike you, but still make the right decision for them. It is about being faithful long after everyone else has abandoned the cause. It is about sustaining ridicule and isolation and facing your deepest fears, all for the right cause. It is not about physical infatuation, but an attraction to the spirit, to the mind and heart and soul. It is about the willingness to undergo extreme trials and tribulations and hardships...for a better tomorrow.

Romans 6:14

14 For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.

Letter to the monster under my bed

Hi there monster under the bed

Hello to you my good sir

Its been a while since we have spoken

And my heart is in a great stir

People dont acknowledge your dedication

You are never given the glory

Truth be told, you have been very faithful

And played an important role in my story

As a child i often feared you

Refusing to give the under the bed a peek

I didnt understand that you didnt wanna scare me

Like me, it was attention that you seek

You made growling sounds some days

And i trembled, thinking you would eat me up

Didnt realize that facing the fear and staying alone in my room

Gave me a braver heart, and seldom give up

When i grew up and travelled on my own

You followed me and continued your role

I always knew that you have been around

But now your silly noises and tactics are taking a toll

come outside to this world my friends

Lets sit down and have a coffee and chat

Hey, maybe you can tell me if you have hidden

My brand new, super cool comfortable hat

We can talk about your faithfulness

How you beat all the other monsters in hanging around

How even though you may not show it

In your heart love is abound

Maybe we can work on being better in talking to each other

Communicate in words instead of sounds or scares

Its gonna be hard work....but we will get better

Easier to share, than carry on our own all our cares

What am i afraid of

They ask me what i fear the most

What is it that makes me shudder

Is it lack of money some day

Will someone blow my cover

Am i afraid of the dark they ask

Does the boogie man scare me to death

Do high buildings and looking down

Make me think of my grave and wreath

Am i afraid of dying

Of being in a cold dark grave

Scared of having bad kids

Those who do not behave

Does lonliness scare me

Of being old, and decrepid and a lone

Of being broke, and loosing resources

Not even having a home

Am i scared of fires

Of heat, or cold or loosing my eye sight

Homeless on the street, unable to care for myself

People watching over my plight

How about if my friends renounce me

If my family no longer calls me its own

I'd look around myself and find no body

In lonliness i would have grown

All of these actually scare me

but none of them are my greatest fears

My achillies heel, is feeling unloved

That one just brings me to tears

I fear that i may not have an honest heart

Open and brave to face this life

That my heart might be filled with malice and greed

That for holiness it does not strive

I am afraid of the day when pride fills my soul

when i no longer feel the guilt of sin

Hopelesness will fill my future

My and all my kind

I am afraid of becoming a jerk

A racist, a hater and a loud mouthed fool

Most of all i am afraid

Of becoming this evil worlds tool

Romans 6:23

Romans 6:23

New International Version (NIV)

²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in^[a] Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 3:23

²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Phillipians 1:6

Philippians 1:6

Be confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion till the day of Christ Jesus.

Courage

Teddy Roosevelt.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Sprint or Marathon...

Do i feel like this guy sometimes....

What are my goals for the next couple of years

Thank you for this question. Thoughts about this have been rolling in my mind for the past few days. I would like to break the goals in to

1- Spiritual

2- Relational

3-Intellectual

4-Physical

5-Financial

6- Creative side

All of these are super important and must be handled with care.

1- Spiritual

-I want to

Become spiritually sound and continually grow

Become a helper in this, along with a helped

Read the entire bible, and get some depth in understanding

Become/Remain faithful

Get depth in character and a tranquility in soul

2-Relational

-I want to

Have a solid relationship with God...thats gonna be tough

Be the kind of friend i aspire to be

Find someone i can love and care for...someone special...and then love and care for her

Learn to love properly

Remove the negative energy sucking relationships from my life

3- Intellectual

-I want to

Gain in heavenly and worldy wisdom

Learn another language

Develop professionally.

Learn skills to actually benifit the world...and then do it

4- Physical

I want to

Donate a kidney

Loose some weight

Gain fitness

Run a marathon

5- Financial

I want to

Be financially bolder and more carefree

Make intelligent decisions

Get more of a comfort cushion, to be able to just leave this rat race

6- Creative side

Learn how to play an instrument

Work on my poetry skills. And actually have the confidence to demonstate it to the world

What is your most important sense (out of the five senses)

Two answers again...past and present...or maybe present and desired future.

In the past, it would have been sight for me. My love for reading books and learning new things is great. So is the desire to see new things and people, see the joy in their faces. That is just amazing to me. So if i had taken this challange a few months ago, i would have set sight as number1..and touch as the last one. I have never enjoyed the touch sense. Makes me feel creepy....and uncomfortable. I dont hug. Simple waves and hand shakes have to do! Dont even talk about anything deeper than that!

However, in the past couple of months, things have been different. I have started to appreciate the sense of touch a lot more. We have lots more sensor endings on our skin. We can feel temperate, and softness, and the finishing of the material....and all sorts of stuff. A hug makes people feel better...more secure and complete. A warm handshake makes them feel welcome. Touch may be the strongest....or most important sense to me after all. Now all i need to do is to figure out how to incorporate it in my life! Be a good toucher! Nice intentions....nice actions....great hope for a better future.

Who do i enjoy spending time with most..and why?

I enjoy spending time with people i care for, and those who care for me!

It is about people who are on the same journey as I. Who want to grow and feel, and become better human beings. When we have a similar quest, a similar destination and are using similar mental maps to get there, the conversations become way more fruitful and the company becomes enjoyable.

I enjoy spending time with people who are not shallow. Who are deep. Who are genuinely honest and passionate in their quests and their desires to achieve these goals.

What i dont like spending time with is time wasters. People who gossip or slander others, who have dirty minds, who talk about garbage, sexualize people and ideas, those who refuse to raise their level of being. I dislike hanging around people who take this world for granted, who have dodgy moral characters, pride in their hearts and money on their mind all the time. I dislike those who think they are right all the time, are cocky and have a know it all attitude. I also dont like hanging around those who spit out bathroom jokes all the time.

I do like to spend time with people with love and kindness and humility in their hearts. Open minded people. Those who have solid ideas, AND are willing to listen to others with an open attitude and mind.

The people i enjoy hanging out with dont have to be perfect. They dont have to have life all figured out. However, they need to be on the journey. Recognize their plight (as we all have one). That does not mean that i exclude those who think they are the kinds of hte world...i just get exausted by their company really soon. Not an enjoyable time.

The qualities of the people i define above usually narrow the group down. These people help me...become a better me. They help and allow to be helped. They recognize the need and want desire to become better people, move higher in their levels of cognition and help the world. Make this world a better place!

What drives me?

The driving for my life can be broken in to two. There was a "pre-realization" driving force and then i believe that there is a post driving one.

Before a "change" in me, my driving force was REVENGE. It was to prove myself to all those who had not treated me well in my past, and then rub it in their face. Lame? Yes...but it was truly motivating. I remember nights i would spend working on a report, or long days at school, and trying financial times, where the only motivating force for me was the idea of one day, being successful and then turning around to characters in my past and rubbing it in their face. I had entire scenes in my head, where i would be a succesful engineer, in a nice vehicle, all decked out....and in a confrontation with these apposing characters, i would tell them that they were wrong. That they were unjust to mistreat me, that I had gotten over that challenge and that they were loosers. I had images of driving over people in my car (crazy = yes ..but it seemed really valid at that point)

These motivations where great. They would fuel my anger. I would be determined to get the task done, to be the best i could be in a particular field JUST SO THAT I COULD PROVE IT TO THEM.

And then, a change happened.

I realized by having these motivations and drives, i was allowing the very people who shouldnt...have control of me.

I was happily and willingly handing over my freedom to those who didnt deserve it.

I forgave (or am trying to forgive) these characters

So now, my entire drive has changed. It is not works based, or revenge based....or even self glorification based. I dont do stuff to propel myself higher in my eyes...or in other's eyes. (or at-least i try not to....)

My drive now is different. It still has 2 facets...like the last one. I really hope they are more meaningful in the long run.

My short term drive is to make people happy. It gives me great energy and joy to see them smile, and laugh...and have solid peace on the inside. This sequences my motivations in certian patterns. I dont particularly want to do something which will deprive my loved ones with joy.....but i will if it is what is the best for them and I. I want to help mend this broken world, be part of the process of the change.....but not in a rebellious, hurt the world manner. I will do that in a manner which is right....honorable....Godly.

So, my long term and sustaining drive (maybe it is there, maybe i want it to be there) is to please God. It took me a while to understand that i am always doing stuff to please...please others (humans) or myself. Maybe this is an innate desire, set up in humans...to please others. I do think that the one to please is God. It took me a while to set up this drive, why would i do something to please SOMEONE ELSE. And then i realized that self gratification is garbage. It is not fulfiling. It makes WAY MORE sense to seek the happiness of the one who created us, and is so super cool to me. And cares for me in more ways than i can think of.

A kind of mushy blog...but i am willing to stand by it :)

How much do you love yourself?

On a scale of 1 to 10 in self love, i give myself a 4. I believe i have a long way to go. I know i am supposed to love myself as much as i love others (BQ-The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:31). I really really want to love others and love them properly, and correctly and in a way which helps them. However, that is not possible unless i love myself at the same amount. I realize i have to take this number higher.

The second reason why I believe the number should increase is because God created us in His image, why wouldnt we love someone who God created?

I think the number is low because i am coming to recognize the ugliness and brokenness inside me. I am working on them though......and even though they will never be totally eliminated, i have great hope that they will improve.

Reasons they are low

1- Low self worth

2- Lots of neurosis. An ideal self rearing its head countless times.

3- Super high standards and the desire to "prove" myself....for no darn reason.

4- Lack of (and constant need of) solid relationships...reassuring me of my self worth.

So, how do i improve this.....

I believe that there are ways. The ways i can think of right now are

1. Trust the wisdom of the ancients...work on the brokenness and emptyness.

2. Pray for it.

3. Have faith and trust and hope

4. Set realistic goals..and then actually be proud of myself for achieving them.

5. Love others. Open myself to relationshps...and to being vulnerable etc.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving thanks.

1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before himwith joyful songs. 3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations

Romans 6:13

13 Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.

What is the most important thing i have learned so far in life?

The most important thing i have learned so far is that i have not figured it all out so far. Therefore humliity and the desire to open mindedly learn, and adopt new things and embrace new ideas is essential. I have learned (all the same learning) that i have some core beleifs, morals and ethical values which stick. However, i have recognized my lack of complete understanding and am therefore (still learning) to give up control to a wiser authority (God). Probably the hardest thing ever. This has also included learning how not to judge or be critical, how to love one's self as well as others, and just be open and try to be comfortable in odd and awkward situations.

What Frustrates me?

Apathy frustrates me.

When people dont seem to care about where i am coming from, where their hearts and minds are closed to listening to my thoughts and concerns...it frustrates me.

When I see great potential in people, and then see that they are not realizing it...it really frustrates me.

Pride frustrates me

Gay jokes and homophobia REALLY frustrate me.

Materialism frustrates me.

Some of God's orders frustrate me....really frustrate me.

My lack of relationships frustrate me.

My social awkwardness frustrates me.

Racism, discrimination, and REVERSE DISCRIMINATION frustrate me.

Hate, sadness, war, anger and death frustrate me.

The lack of time frustrates me.

Usually, in all these situations I get closed up. I get angry..and frustrated..and withdraw in to myself. I start focusing on the negatives rather than positives and direct my judgement towards the person rather than the character flaw/attribute.

When people dont want to open their hearts to my ideas, i fall in the same trap and close my heart and mind to their point of view. This i know is detrimental.

Whem people make hurting comments or show ignorance, instead of showing empathy and understanding that it must be an internal struggle to live with so much hate inside, i judge them...and feel anger and hate towards them....

In regards to my lack of social skills, i either over try and come off as over zealous or just retreat in to my shell of self contempt.

Typically in these situations, things go from back to worse. I might say something which i regret, or judge, or give a look. People become bitter. The universe is not pleased.

I realize that all the things which frustrate me are part of my own personality flaws. I realize that i need to care more about people and causes, and develop myself further. So when i am angry at myself for these , i focus the anger on others. I am yet to fully accept myself as i am, who i am, and carry on working on improving and transforming...therefore when other people make crude remarks...instead of checking my soul if i have those ideas too (just hidden), i judge them. I think about myself too much, hence the awkwardness....so that too..is a personality flaw.