Control

They are talking about control in class today. How it is a control thing, on how difficult it is to comprehend that salvation and justification is all by faith and not by works. I can't comprehend it or am struggling with the whole idea. It is difficult to give up control. It means being vulnerabe and making myself suseptable to getting hurt and lost and loosing control.
Dear God please help me loose control. Please help me place all my faith in you and none in my works. Please help me not be a hypocrite and let me represent truth.
God I am asking you to soften my heart. Please make me open to you and accept you fully. I still find myself wandering from faith all the time. I get angry. And jealous and self conscoius and selfish. I don't understand god and it makes me angry. And I do not know how to express all of this anger. I find it hard to love you if I believe that you kind of controlled what has happened to me in life but at the same time...life has been freaking awesome in lots of ways and if I think that the creator of the universe took personal interest in setting up for me, it makes me feel amazing gratitude....and maybe even love.
God, I don't think I have truly felt what love is yet. Please help me experience it and spread it out to thi world. I can't be the only one in this universe who is hurting so much, struggling so much, breaking so much. God, please use me in your story as an appropriate tool, in the best possible method to heal myself and others. Please let me have an open heart to listen to the spirit. Please let the spirit be in me. I doubt myself all the time. Please grant me the gift of faithfulness. Please let it never be dependant on people or ever be dependant on works, please let me just be dependant on you.
Thank you

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