Broken Trust

Oct 19, 2011

I went to BS last night, and then on the way back, i found out that some of my darkest deepest secrets were shared, brought out to a group of people i did not even know at that time (or not really know now).........and i feel super angry and frustrated.

I dont really know how to handle this. Is this something i need to learn from? Not to trust anybody, no body.....cause you dont know what future would bring for you.

I am greatly angry at Julie, and it is really bothering me. I dont like being angry at people, and more than that i dont like being angry at her. Actually, sometimes i feel so overloaded with favors from her that i feel that i have lost the right to get angry. It is definitely not a symbiotic relationship. I feel much greater of a parasite in it, often asking for more and more and more.

Maybe that is why i do not know how to react when i feel these deep feelings of anger, or hurt by her. Maybe it is too many things going on in my head, but I still feel justified in feeling this stuff.

Further exposure to the group is going to be a harrowing experience. I dont think i want to deal with it at all. If people know your dirt, your weakness, it is like being exposed. Feeling vulnerable and naked around people you dont even know.

I want last night to have never happened. I wish i had not answered that phone call. I wish i had never answered that question. I almost wish that i never did any of this "journey". What was wrong with me as i was..........ok.....lots of stuff but i never had to bother with this sort of pain.

I dont know how to deal with this anger God.....and this pain. I've not felt so terrible for a while. I feel as if my trust is broken again. I wonder what it physically looks like, my trust that is. Broken and cracked, with lots of glue and duct tape. God, please help me understand this, and get through this with wisdom and maturity, and without hurting anyone. I feel like hating you right now. I feel like walking away, putting my head phones on and ignoring all of this. It so seems like the easiest option right now.

God, i dont understand. If i am doing the time (paying for the crime), can i at least do the crime! If people are going to think of me in a certain way, can i be that way! If everyone judges me, and thinks that i mess with girls and stuff, why not just do it. Why not satisfy my desires. I am labelled for it anyways.

I wonder what people talk about me. I was hoping that THEY WERENT. But now i dont know. I thought these were all God's people. Fallen, faulted but ...God's people! I dont know. All of this is really really bothering me. Wonder if the kids think the same because of the way i dress. Do my friends divulge my secrets there? Do they all just see me as a messed up person.....who is so totally screwed up in every way!

Its ok to judge me like that. Put me in another damn box. So it is brown and short, and doesnt believe, and foreign and what else now....oh yeah....immoral. Just cause i wear my faults on my sleeves, lets just have a talking spree about them.

God, i am getting really bitter and hard hearted about this. Please help me understand...and fix. If i create that stigma, i am never going to that place again. If people just see me, and they associate me with a certain life style, and then prob link my friends to it.....then it is over. I do not need to be around that place....bring any sort of negative connotation towards anyone!

God, i am trying to come to you right now, not with anger but with humilty (but honestly, there is lots of anger right now)....please help me handle this in the nicest way possible, and not hurt Julie...or anyone else.