I believe in heaven

I believe in heaven. And I know that hell exists.
I used to feel like a jig saw puzzle- with the central piece missing.
I have been through hell. The definition of hell is not “a burning wasteland, with devils with horns and pitch forks poking us”. I don’t think that physical pain and agony for eternity would do it for anyone. I don’t think that a loving God would ever put his children in a place like that. Hell is a place of loneliness and soullessness. Where the ugly feelings of selfishness, and anger, and jealousy and lust spread like cancer through the heart. Hell is where I used to be.
I have been at that place before. Growing up in a family filled with child abuse is hell! Knowing that great injustice is being done to you , that you will be scarred for life and will never be able to talk about it is hell. I grew up to be an unloving, always busy person who was tumbling head long towards financial security and a great career. The ghosts of my past however remained within me. I was lonely, scared, stone hearted and did not see a real purpose to life. That was hell.
Relationships were always conditional. The feeling of competition and the desire to prove myself to any and every one made me burn my engine nonstop. In my mind, I was always seeking “secondary pleasure”, the pleasure gained not from doing something and getting joy out of it but the pleasure of getting praise, or acknowledgement from others about what I am doing. There was a point system in my head. I couldn’t even accept a gift from anyone without putting it on a spread-sheet and then trying to return it with something better. I was floundering on the inside, the cracks increasing their length at lightning speed. That was hell.
I was then blessed with some guides, some folks who showed me what life really means. I am trying to be more open now. The road is rough and I fall and scrape my knees often, but I am finally starting to see what love means. What it means to live in a non-transactionary life, where there is no ulterior motive behind every action. When I can read a book without the pressure of wanting to memorize quotes, just to quote them to people. When I can open the door for others, without seeking a thank you nod in return. When I can give all of myself, without expecting anything back. When I can accept gifts and just smile.
So now, I believe in Heaven. It is a transcendental place where we will have no ugly emotions. Our scars will be healed and our empty hearts will be filled with love. It will not even matter what the physical set up of heaven is! All I know is that there will be happy people around. I will have love and joy around me. There will be good company, God, and maybe even some good coffee! I believe in heaven-a place where the jig saw puzzle of my soul will finally be complete.