Real Talk..2

God, can we please talk again. My soul is hurting again. My heart yearns for you, more than it has yearned for anyone or anything before. Is this an innate feeling, or just another part of my carnal soul, replacing the gap for a lover with you? Please, please fix me. This heart of mine is too corrupt, this lonlines in my soul too much to bear. I don’t want to be lonely God. Part of me tells me that this is all a test, these are all lessons I need to learn. That jealousy and covetness and pride are my crosses to bear, that for my love to mature I need to go through this smeltering process. God, my soul is weary with this. It is constantly pulled in forty different directions and I keep on aspiring to be cool rather than to be right. To look good instead of being good. To be loved instead of truly loving others. God, I want to have peace, to have a home, some place where my heart can rest and relax. I look at my relationships now, and the amount of joy I get out of them is so beautiful. However, there is a deeper craving in my heart lord. I deeply aspire to love someone, to care for her, to lay myself out for her. They tell me it is a sin, they tell me that I am in love with myself to want to be with a girl. God, I don’t want to be with just a girl, it is not as if I can control this desire. I am trying so hard to not let these birds build nests over my heart, but after walking with you for just a bit, this yearning has nothing but increased. I see your love God, and I cant wait to share this beautiful beautiful thing with someone. The way you have expanded my heart, made me feel and hurt deeper than ever before, I want to share that love. I want to take a part of my soul and lay it before her. To give so much of myself that I am not me anymore, I am a unit. You know God, I never truly believed that we were supposed to be in union. Always thought that I could survive with myself just fine. Friends will do just fine for the lonesome moments. But I can feel it God, that you designed us for this. There is this hole in my soul which needs to be plugged, before all the waters of life come flooding in. I don’t mean to say that I will use her like a tool God. Please don’t ever let me do that to anyone actually. I want it to be self sacrificial. God, I am laying this in front of you again. Begging, whinning, pleading, whatever you may call it. Please kill my pride as I ask you for this. On my knees, with my heart bleeding. They tell me it is wrong, it is a sin , that these desires are a plague and cancer in my soul. God, if that is true, I am in front of you for surgery. All dressed up in the grown, laying flat on my back, ready to be sliced with your scapel without an anesthetic. Please, remove this cancerous growth from my soul. While you are at it, can you also please give me a heart which loves. Loves who you want me to love. A deep non self indulgent love. The kind of love you mention in your words! Deep wholesome fulfilling redeeming love! I have submitted my desires to you and am ready for you to make the cut. But if not, if you think this idea is fine, please convict me of it. Please take away this guilt of desiring girls. Of wanting to care for one so deeply that I forget to look at myself every second of the day. I may be idealistic God, but all of this life has been an idealistic story. You wrote this magnificent fairy tale for me God, I am ready for this new character to waltz in. And I am begging you to prepare me for it. Convict me of it being ok, or change my heart and make me like a guy, whatever it may be. I know you work on your timeline God. I just implore that it be done soon. Let this burden, this yearning, this search pass from me.

Thank you God, thank you for listening, thank you for giving me the words, thank you for the hurt and pain and the glimpses of joy you give me. Thank you for being you!