broken talk

God, we need to talk. please . Its been too long. Ive been too hurt. Its been too distracting. And i cant seem to control my heart and thoughts.
God i want to be like you. I want to change. On the inside. Not of this external bs. I want a real change. on the inside. But can i drink this without so much pain.
God, its so hard when julie talks about the guys. I mean, i know.....i know it is wrong. I cant control my heart or my throughts. You know that! You know how often i talk to you about taking my heart away, my feelings away, my hope away.....How often do i struggle with you about this. I understand you gave me everything..but what is up with taking it away so painfully. Like pulling away bandaid. Wth man...really..u can fix me....u have the power.....why not just do it? I am not asking for much....just loss of feelings for julie. That is all i want. I want to be a friend. I solid friend. One she can depend on. And one who can be wise and nice at the same time. One who is not short tempered, or flaky. Why put these feelings in my heart. You are the one who told me that it is wrong to like a girl...then why allow me to have these feelings. Why not just hit me wiht a lightening bolt? Why not ...not make me see the attractive parts of her......why!!!
God, please help. I have no one else to turn to. I really dont. and i dont trust myself. And i despise myself. and my soul is hurting so bad from all of life. I dont understand half the things and the other half i have given up understanding. why not change the situation? why not make me go offshore ...or some other place and let everything happen....let me not be so near.....mentally.....why not make her say something which irritates me or makes me mad....God, i feel like the scum of the earth. You used this beautiful soul to help me see you, and here i am, directing my disgustingness at her. Please clean me....from inside. I dont want to be me anymore . I am bad. and wrong. and hurtful. and broken ..and just a mess. God, i dont want to be a mess anymore. I feel so scared …..i am scared someone will slip out and i will loose a freind.....and i am afraid that i will loose you. God, i have lost closeness to so many. The hole inside me keeps on growing and it wont stop. What is reality? How do i know you are there watching out for me? Is this what it looks like? You control everything right, here you go....control this. This beastly heart of mine which does not learn, or use discernment or wisdom. Which just picks up and follows the wrong people. Maybe they are good people...but God, you know me. I am foul. Disgusting and ignorant. I dont even know anything. I dont know where i stand ….what i am....who i am. God, i just want to be like you.....i want to be fixed. Life is not fun right now God, please give me kindness and love when i talk to people. Please teach me how to love well. Please teach me how to be kind and generous.and wise....and above all....please make me real...and make me love. God, i know i am terrible, but please can i have some shelter. Some love. some safety. some peace. God, i am not asking for justice. I dont deserve shi’. But i am pleading in front of you...with all my heart and soul and mind and energy.....God, it sucks to be me right now. I dont want to be me. i really really dont. I dont want to have the feelings i have. I dont want to face my awkward situations. I dont want to be weak and broken and a miserable soul. God, i dont want to be lonely. I am afraid.....really really afraid. My life is going ot be just as it is ...and that is a disrespect to you....to all the kindness and love you have shown me. You know that. I need to have the courage to do something...something real....something wonderful.....something for u....for your people.
God, i am tiered. i am SO TIERED of putting these masks. They are just not comfortable. I cant use flowery langugae to you. But i am so tiered of my own hate. and grudges. and anger. and jealousy and stupidity and pride and selfishness and heartlessness and covetnous and ….i am just really tiered of myself.
So i am here.....in front of you...and i am not going to go. I am telling you....i will not stop asking you. Asking you to fix me......to heal me. to fix me. God please prove to me! Prove that i am not going crazy. Prove that you are real. Prove that you will fix me. That is all i am asking for. Hope. A glimmer. A day when i dont hate myself. A day when my heart doesnt hurt like it is going to break. One when i dont feel sick when julie talks about her boys. God, please help me be wise and mature and all those...just let me please be selfless and look above and outside of myself.