I believe in the Paradox of Choice

My cousin was shot dead a week ago. The suspected culprits may be the Taliban, or ISIS (or whatever they are called these days) or political agents seeking more money from him.  It matters who they are, and yet at the level of my life, it doesn't.

Having moved out of Pakistan after highschool, with the infamous story of not even turning around to wave good bye to my family, i have managed to build the structure a "successful life" around myself. I got a degree in a prestigious profession, got a "good job" and often hear stories of older relatives asking my mom about "the golden child". I have learnt to manage" my relationships, carefully revealing intricately designed parts of myself to different spectrums of the society. I am onw to my family, another to my freinds, yet another to my colleges. As i integrate all these parts of myself, i am coming to discover a deep truth held sacred in my soul. I believe in the paradox of choice.

Nothing hurts more than being abandoned. i learned this truth as a child, left behind in social settings because of my gender.  I remember wistfully wanting to go pray in the mens side of the mosque with my dad, or wanting to be in the mens side of the room during family occasions . I learned to continue spreading this wound, first by abandoning my younger sister by never really acknowledging her in conversations or devleoping a real relationships with her and then by abandoning by and large most of my family upon my immigration. In doing that, i am learning, i abandoned a huge piece of myself. The majority of my life, my childhood dreams and thoughts, freindships and relationships were abandoned. I chose to do all that, and to create healthy boundaries, to heal and become who i am today.  As an adult, i come across that wound often, in friends and loved ones. I struggle with it myself, and often see it as the deepest wound we humans inflict upon another.

My belief in the paradox of choice allows me to continue choosing. It allows me to see that so much of who i am today is not because of me. And yet there is so much that is. My cousin was shot because he was a prominent figure in the religious scene in Pakistan. He was the son of a religious cleric and grew up in a system which was saturated with that particular flavor of theology. I dont know if he intentionally chose the path he did, or if he considered the far ranging implications of it. I know that if i was born of a different gender, i would have seen that life style as attractive too. The desire to be the hero rages deep inside me.  Being shunned due to being of the female gender, and having interalized those experiences i approached life from a different perspective. Good luck and the generosity of relatives brought me to America, unfortunate bitter experiences with some muslim people drew me away from islam as a religion, persistent failures of mere mortal men made me painfully aware of my triggers against religion and at the current moment find solace in spirituality. And yet, neither of us can claim to be the sole creators of our lives, nor claim having nothing to do with it. So, i get to live with the conclusion that if there is a conductor leading the orchestra of this universe, she has a unique sense of humor.

I believe in the paradox of choice and how important it is to own it. I deserve no accolades for what is present in my life, and yet i deserve some praise. My cousin did not deserve to be shot for his belief system or situation in life, and yet there is a level of responsibility for him to bear. The day I can own it all, maybe i will be able to let go of my better than though attitude towards others. Maybe i will be able to love all my neighbours as myself, even those who think i am wrong and an infidel. Maybe i will be able to over come self racism and hatred and accept the petty and small parts of me. Maybe i will be able to complete the heros journey of returning back to my origins, not to evangilize or apostolize my new found truths and epiphanies, but to hold space for healing. The paradox of choice is one we can chose to hold, and this I believe!

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