Dear God,
Its been a rough month. A really really rough month, and i am distressed inside about it. I dont know how to fix this. I feel that the dragon skin, the thin layer of film is growing around my heart. It is getting hardened and calloused, ready to grab this thing called life and keep on heading down the highway
I lost three of my best friends this month, and i know that i have not even faced that fact yet. Not even cried all the tears that deserve to be cried. Not even realized the depths of the scars.
So, i understand Daniel and Freddy leaving. Freddy leaving sucks. I wonder how he will change...how he will grow. I depend on the dude SO much, it is weird.
I am still unsure of how to behave around Julie. I wonder if she feels this GAP between us as well. It bothers me ..loads..but if it does not bother her, than i will be ok. God, what was the reason for making life so complicated. For making my mind too dumb to understand so many of these concepts. Just unable to comprehend the things which actually mean the difference between light and dark. God, if you are true, if christianity is true then why doesnt it just stay, solidly in my heart? Why do i waver between doubts all the time? Why can i not apply the concepts of loving others , and not being angry or jealous, or hurt. I understand the situation God, why can i not ACCEPT it. Why can i not just be a good friend for Julie? I dont want to be a pain in her life. A bother. A weight. That is not who i want to be in her life. If that is the position i am to be, can i please just be removed. I care for her God, maybe more than i care for myself. Maybe not. Maybe i get selfish and angry when i dont get the attention i feel i deserve. But then, i dont think i honestly deserve anything, I have already received way more than i deserve. This dichotomy is really bothering me. God, i dont know if am honestly jealous of david, because, really, i shouldnt be. I was never in the game. I want her to be happy. Then why do i have this "issue" against him, i really dont know.
I wonder if things will ever be fixed God. If the hurt in my heart, these feelings of lonliness and dejection and unlovedness will ever be...eliminated. I am sometimes not even sure that you are there, i write to a phantom, like the time i started writing to my bg, not even knowing if she is there.
God, in these times i have no one but you to ask for guidance. For some sort of salvation. Of peace. Please let me escape the chains of my mind. Let me be happy.Please let me not hurt those i care for. Please let me find your truth, the true you, not the one presented by my freinds or family...just truth which you have..for me! I dont want to fall in to this cultural paradigm. I dont want to be one of the cool xians, or cool non xians. I just want to be solid and honest and truthful....whatever that might be!
Thank you
Its been a rough month. A really really rough month, and i am distressed inside about it. I dont know how to fix this. I feel that the dragon skin, the thin layer of film is growing around my heart. It is getting hardened and calloused, ready to grab this thing called life and keep on heading down the highway
I lost three of my best friends this month, and i know that i have not even faced that fact yet. Not even cried all the tears that deserve to be cried. Not even realized the depths of the scars.
So, i understand Daniel and Freddy leaving. Freddy leaving sucks. I wonder how he will change...how he will grow. I depend on the dude SO much, it is weird.
I am still unsure of how to behave around Julie. I wonder if she feels this GAP between us as well. It bothers me ..loads..but if it does not bother her, than i will be ok. God, what was the reason for making life so complicated. For making my mind too dumb to understand so many of these concepts. Just unable to comprehend the things which actually mean the difference between light and dark. God, if you are true, if christianity is true then why doesnt it just stay, solidly in my heart? Why do i waver between doubts all the time? Why can i not apply the concepts of loving others , and not being angry or jealous, or hurt. I understand the situation God, why can i not ACCEPT it. Why can i not just be a good friend for Julie? I dont want to be a pain in her life. A bother. A weight. That is not who i want to be in her life. If that is the position i am to be, can i please just be removed. I care for her God, maybe more than i care for myself. Maybe not. Maybe i get selfish and angry when i dont get the attention i feel i deserve. But then, i dont think i honestly deserve anything, I have already received way more than i deserve. This dichotomy is really bothering me. God, i dont know if am honestly jealous of david, because, really, i shouldnt be. I was never in the game. I want her to be happy. Then why do i have this "issue" against him, i really dont know.
I wonder if things will ever be fixed God. If the hurt in my heart, these feelings of lonliness and dejection and unlovedness will ever be...eliminated. I am sometimes not even sure that you are there, i write to a phantom, like the time i started writing to my bg, not even knowing if she is there.
God, in these times i have no one but you to ask for guidance. For some sort of salvation. Of peace. Please let me escape the chains of my mind. Let me be happy.Please let me not hurt those i care for. Please let me find your truth, the true you, not the one presented by my freinds or family...just truth which you have..for me! I dont want to fall in to this cultural paradigm. I dont want to be one of the cool xians, or cool non xians. I just want to be solid and honest and truthful....whatever that might be!
Thank you
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